Being a senior at Santa Clara on the eve of my last quarter,
there’s definitely been a lot on my mind. Graduation, jobs, where are my
friends going to be, etc. Did I mention graduation? Three months to go until we
go out into the “real world”, so to speak. I’m reminded of Fr. Jack Treacy’s
homily from a few weeks ago, that if the undergraduate experience is like a
mountaintop, there comes a time where we must descend it. Whether you agree
with that metaphor or not, I know that time is coming and it’s inevitable. Personally,
I resonated with the general concept: there comes a time where you must leave
things behind, taking what you’ve gained from those experiences and finding it in
other places. I have a specific case that’s very personal to me that I’ve
related this concept to.
For those who don’t know, I love retreats. I have loved the
concept of taking time away from the busy-ness of everyday life and taking time
to be with myself and other people, to have a better chance to see people for
who they really are. This has been with me through high school and has extended
to my college experience. Throughout the past 4 years, I have been involved
time and time again with the Search retreat. My first experience of Search was
my first true sense of community at Santa Clara. Along with my experiences in
CLC, I was so moved by this experience of community that I wanted to come back
as a leader and I had the amazing opportunity to be a leader fall of my junior
year. Having grown from that experience and having taken a retreat off (I
didn’t feel called to lead), I was offered the opportunity to serve as a
coordinator of this retreat this past fall. Each of my experiences with this
retreat has been amazing and an opportunity to grow. After a period of
discernment and reflection, I was at peace that the last retreat I led would be
my last one. Therefore, I consciously chose not to apply to lead the retreat
this spring. I felt okay with my decision and subconsciously thought I wouldn’t
struggle with it. After all, I know I had my opportunities to lead and it was
time for others to have that opportunity.
Well that subconscious part of me turned out to be
completely wrong. As it turns out, many people I share close connections with
are leading in the spring. Throughout the weekend they were on the leaders’
retreat, I was suppressing negative feelings, but I didn’t recognize them as
such. It all came to a head after 9 PM mass that Sunday. I did a pretty good job
hiding them from my friends as I was hanging out outside the Mission Church
right after Mass. But driving home, my head was a mess. I couldn’t think
straight. I wouldn’t be able to tell you all of the specific thoughts that were
hovering in my brain, but I can remember one particular voice from within
talking to me that night. It said the following:
“All my friends there
are going to bond and grow close. That’s awesome. But they’re going to grow so
much that they won’t need me anymore. I’ll be useless. I’ll be worthless
to them.”
It was the voice of fear. It had taken over my thoughts and
was clouding my sense of rationality. After having conversations with friends
both on the retreat team and those outside about this experience and fear,
things came back to perspective. One really good friend reminded me that I have
empowered and inspired a number of leaders on the team. Another told me that
through those connections, I’m effectively still leading Searchers through the
current leaders. That same friend gave me the opening to come to him if I ever
felt the current leader team was starting to seem exclusive. Yet another good
friend invited me to take what I’ve gained from these experiences and to find
ways to share it in other communities. I’ve grown so much from these retreats
and I have a lot to offer, both for those on the retreat leader team and to
other people in other places. Since that friend gave me her invitation, I’ve
been trying to take on that challenge and to expand the circle of Search love which
I draw so much from. With their help, I began to feel calmer inside and my
heart was no longer crying out as a result of this voice.
That sense of peace and further reflection allowed me to
realize where I was. I desire to find communities where I can share a sense of
emotional intensity and deep intimacy. During my time at Santa Clara, I found
it in my three experiences with the Search retreat. At the time I was
experiencing this voice of fear, I had no ideas where I would find this type of
community after college and I was becoming confused and demoralized internally
as a result. I was caught between a rock and a hard place when it came to my
search for this type of community. On one hand, I couldn’t see anything within
the darkness of confusion. On the other hand, I was looking back and seeing the
“mountaintop” from which I descended. That “in between” isn’t the easiest place
to be, but last Saturday I started to see glimpses of mountains, glimmers of
hope through the darkness of confusion.
I attended World CLC Day on the recommendation of one of my
good friends on the council who couldn’t be there. Considering it was the day
after the end of Finals Week, very few students not on the council were there.
Naturally I felt some hesitation with the age gap of attendees. But it was
through this day I started to see new mountains to climb within the darkness.
At lunchtime, we went on an Emmaus walk with one person we didn’t know and
shared various elements of our faith life. I picked one of the younger non-SCU
attendees and walked her to the Mission Gardens. She’s 10 years older than me
and has had a wealth of life experience. During our sharing, we struck a common
chord on retreats and the effect different retreats have had on us. At one
point, she shared her experience on a retreat called Caritas, which had a
really strong effect on her. She then proceeded to share with me about her own
experience on a silent retreat (after I shared how important mine was to me).
Hearing her testimony about both retreat experiences, I felt a burst of
inspiration. After the past few weeks of crawling in the darkness of confusion,
I finally had ideas. I finally had learned of opportunities to find the type of
community I desire for after graduation. I was no longer lost. And it helped me
feel at peace with where I’m at with my search for communities post-graduation.
Going back to Fr. Jack’s analogy, descending this
mountaintop hasn’t been easy. On my descent, I’ve faced internal struggles
which have sometimes gotten the best of me. But when I think about it, there’s
another mountaintop in the distance for me to ascend. For the past few weeks, I
couldn’t find that mountain; it was shrouded in darkness. But with the help of my
friends and a chance encounter, I see a whole new set of mountains to climb, a
whole new set of mountaintops to reach and find the type of communities I
desire. It won’t always be comfortable and it’ll be a challenge, but I hope I
can lean into the discomfort I might feel and use it to grow as a person. I’ll
conclude this post with the somewhat-paraphrased words of a wise friend of
mine.
“Lean into the
discomfort. It will ultimately help you grow.”
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