Blogging Motivation Struggles

I’ve had this blog going for over 18 months now, or some amount of time like that. It’s served many different purposes. For me, it has often served as a healthy method to let my thoughts out and to reflect upon something that’s been on my mind for a while. I’ve had others tell me that they get something out of reading my blog posts, which is really nice. This post will focus more on what gets me to blog, or more like what doesn’t get me to blog even when I have something on my mind.

Not only do I blog on occasion, I very much enjoy reading my friends’ blogs as well. Many of them have had blogs, or have blogged before, whether they be personal blogs or ones set up for something like study abroad or whatnot. As a reader, there’s a lot I gain from reading about my friends’ experiences in that type of form. It allows me to keep up with those I haven’t been in contact with but I also learn things myself from reading about their experiences. Combined, reading my friends’ blogs when I can allow me to gain a lot from the effort they put in to talk about their lives and experiences.

I’ve had multiple occasions where I've struggled to find the motivation to sit down and blog while I've had this going. Like times where I’ve had something on my mind, but then stopped myself from blogging or didn’t make the time to sit down and blog. To be perfectly honest, one of the reasons I struggle with finding motivation to sit down to blog is this: self-consciousness. If you were to ask me, chances are I’d tell you my life doesn’t feel that interesting. I mean I work full-time, I do a little volunteering, and…yeah. I’m not living in a giant, major tourist city or in a whole different culture or anything like that. So the question I often ask myself internally is this: “What do I really have to share?” That’s happened to me before where I think about writing something and stop myself because I don’t feel like people will get very much out of it or even think others would find it that interesting. I mean of course my own experience is my own unique experience, but that whole self-comparison thing gets in the way and makes it feel like I don’t really have much to blog about and share relative to a lot of my other friends.

I try to battle those perceptions because I know the notion that “I having nothing to share” isn’t true. I’ve had experiences when I’ve blogged before and people either enjoyed it or really needed to read what I wrote. In addition, blogging has been self-therapeutic for me on multiple occasions.

My ultimate goal when I blog is this: “If one person gets something out of my blogging, then it’s absolutely worth it.” I do genuinely hope that what I write can have a positive impact on at least one person. Sometimes it’s just difficult to see and know that I did positively affect that “one person” through my blog posting and sometimes, I lose sight of that goal and think that I need to have multiple people like it or think what matters is the number of people that read.

I’ve wanted to get this out in the open for a while so I feel better that I made the time to write this. Though it’s worth noting that being on a 4 hour flight makes it easier to find that time ;) .

Intention and Intentionality

Thursday night, I spent a short time talking on the phone with a dear friend, catching up after a few months. Towards the end of our conversation, my friend had told me that they wanted to be more intentional about something and do a better job of it. When I heard her use the word “intentional” in that personal context, it triggered a question from me that I had thought about for a while. I asked my friend something along the lines of, “Do we use the word ‘intentionality’ because of the people we associated with and hung out with at Santa Clara or is it more widespread?”

Growing up, the term “intention” had two things I associated with it. One referred to the “intentions” that would be offered at Mass during the Prayers of the Faithful. I would typically think of offering intentions as, “We pray for ________. Lord, Hear our prayer”, and that’s the only context I would ever think of the word “intention” as a noun. The other association would be as an adverb as another way of saying “doing something on purpose”. For example, I intentionally didn’t talk about my friend’s birthday with them until afterwards because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise another person was putting together for them. Or as a joke, I once stole one of my mentor’s rubber ducks one time and intentionally placed it under my friend’s jacket so she would be caught and “fired” instead of me. ;)

Back to the question I asked my friend Thursday night, I’m starting to realize that it’s only been in the past 1-2 years that I started hearing and noticing the word intentionality or the terminology of “being intentional” about doing something. She concluded that we’ve seen and heard it based more on the people we hung out with. I’ve also realized that I’ve heard this word “intentionality” get tossed around a lot from people I know and seeing people, including myself, get asked, “what is your intention” (referring to an action you will commit yourself to doing). A lot of my friends who have talked about intentionality or being intentional have spent time being active in programs like Campus Ministry, Jesuit Volunteer Corps (JVC), Landmark Forum, or other similar-type awesome programs that have helped make them better people. That being said, the word “intentionality” has achieved buzzword status in Joe world where sometimes, I admittedly instinctively associate the use of the term intention/intentionality in that context with involvement in those types of programs instead of actually what is actually meant by acting with intention or intentionality.

This leads me to the next question I’ve been asking myself: what the heck does “being intentional about something” or “intentionality” even mean? When I asked another friend how being friends with me has changed them for the better, they said that I’ve been “very intentional” about our friendship. There’s that word again. If I were to give you an answer off the top of my head, I would tell you that being intentional about something means being driven by a purpose to act upon that “something” and not doing “something” for the sake of doing “something”. Intentionality would be the term to describe the action of being driven by that purpose. If I look at what that friend told me and reflect upon it a little further, I can see where I’ve embodied this notion of “intentionality” in friendships and relationships especially over the past year.

I’ve told people over the past year as I’ve become more deliberate about how I approach my friendships. Now that I’ve spent a year in the “post-grad” phase of life where my friends aren’t primarily within a 1-mile radius, I’ve noticed a shift in how I approach people now that my available time to spend with people is more limited. When I send one of my typical random Joe messages saying hi, that’s my way of saying, “I care about your life and am curious how you’re doing”. I’ve tried finding pockets of time to answer texts or to figure out who I haven’t talked to in a while. When I do find those times to catch up, I do my best to genuinely listen to how everything is going and to catch up on their life as much as possible. I acknowledge that ultimately it’s up to me to do everything on my end to grow those friendships even as physical distance and “different phase of life” makes it harder to catch up with people and keep in touch. At the same time, I try to find a balance between how to space out my reaching out. I’m super self-conscious about being that friend that’s a huge nagger and doesn’t give others space, or always sends messages to the point where it gets really annoying. I know that other people’s lives are, well, really busy and my purpose in keeping those relationships strong is to give them the space to handle their own stuff and then let them find the time when they can. If I try to make sense of what my friend meant by me being “more intentional” about friendship, that might be it.

At the same time, I think me being intentional about my relationships means recognizing that others have very different meanings and ways of being intentional and acting upon their intentions with a purpose. One of the ways I’ve had to learn this is through how people make the most their time with others. Despite what my 30/30 Myers-Briggs test score for extroversion may imply, I have a strong preference to spend time with people in smaller groups, like 2 or 3 at a time, instead of larger groups of friends. Of course I want to surround myself with people I love because that’s how I gain energy, but to tell you the truth, I’m most comfortable when I’m able to focus on one or two people at a time and give them my full attention rather than giving bits and pieces to 5 or more people in the same area. I’ve had moments this year where I’ve had to learn the hard way to equally respect others’ preferences in that regard. There was a period of time within the past year where I took a hard stance on not wanting to be in groups out of fear of feeling super uncomfortable and left out within a larger group. There were times where this caused a clash when I had friends come and want to get people (including me) in larger groups and I wanted none of being in a large group. That latter part was the hardest because in my head, it felt like I wasn’t making the most of that time with them and I wasn’t enjoying it like I should. But when it comes down to it, I believe that friends wanting to be in a large group is one way for them to be intentional about their friendships and the people that matter. It’s another way of being intentional, which isn’t my way of doing so, but it’s just as equally valid and fulfilling for them. If I’m truly going to be intentional about my friendships and caring for those relationships, it’s just as much on me to let them be intentional in their own ways as I am intentional in my own way. I’ve been trying in the past months to be a lot more open-minded to spending time in groups, especially when someone else initiates it and it’s “their thing” so to speak. Or having a friend visit one weekend, openly indicate that they’re trying to see as many people as possible, and to acknowledge that while making the most of the 10-minute walk I had with them one-on-one. I didn’t press for more time knowing that, but I felt fulfilled knowing that they made that little spot of time for me completely spontaneously.

Ultimately in the context I just talked about, I feel having an intention and being intentionality comes down to having a purpose. My purpose is to maintain and grow the friendships I have in the best way possible. The best way possible, I think, involves knowing my own strengths and preferences, while at the same time respecting and accepting the strengths and preferences for others in how they approach their friendships. Living an intentional life is definitely a noble goal to achieve, one that is driven by some sort of purpose. Do I know what fully “living an intentional life” means for me? Not really. But what I do know is that I do my best to be intentional and driven by a purpose to make the most out of friendships and relationships. I can figure out what other elements of an intentional, purpose-driven, life means for me as I go on.

As buzz-wordy as “intentionality” can be for me sometimes, it is indeed a word that can pack a lot of punch and meaning if I let it.

Finding Dory

I think we can all agree that Pixar has released a lot of really good movies. Finding Nemo falls into this category and certainly has a number of famous clips. I watched it a long time ago as a kid and remember loving the movie. While I haven’t watched the movie start to finish in a long while (and huge disclaimer: I know I need to and want to watch the whole movie start-to-finish again), I recently started re-discovering some of the funniest clips from the movie and started watching them again.

As anyone who has watched Finding Nemo knows, Dory is one of the movie’s main characters and is very notable as a result. For those who haven’t watched it, Dory is this lovable blue fish who’s super optimistic, upbeat, and also rather air-headed at times. From speaking whale to trying to befriend a little jellyfish, Dory’s one of those characters that serves as the optimistic and “look on the bright side” foil to the constantly pessimistic Marlin. In other words, Dory is quite the entertaining character.

One of Dory’s most famous moments in the film is the point where she in Marlin have a diving mask which helps in the quest to find Nemo. Dory then drops the mask and Marlin gets down and depressed feeling like he lost his chance to find his son. She then approaches the downtrodden Marlin and then the following exchange occurs:

“Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills…when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?” (Marlin: “I don’t wanna know what you gotta do.”)

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim….swim” (Marlin: “Dory, no singing.”)

A couple of months ago, I re-discovered this clip and started listening to it one Friday at work. Having consumed a Grande Starbucks Coffee that morning, I was feeling the caffeine rush and started listening to the clip over and over again. What can I say? It’s a great clip! During that morning, I came up with this idea to greet some of my friends and send them a nice little message based off Dory’s “just keep swimming” mantra. I spent a good chunk of that day messaging some of my friends trying to encourage them to “just keep swimming” if life was getting them down. At the time, I didn’t think it would be that much aside from a typical Joe somewhat funny well-wish. But based on how people responded, it seems like it was more than that.

A lot of them of course loved the Finding Nemo reference. Moreso than that, I found that a number of my friends had told me that my encouragement to “just keep swimming” came at the absolute right time. Some happily and affirmatively told me that they were swimming, which made me happy. Some of them told me they were having a rough day and really needed that motivation. One had shared a story with me about how seeing “just keep swimming” was absolutely fitting in so many ways. Something tells me that encouraging people to just keep swimming really did a lot for so many people.

When I thought about this more, I started to realize how much I identify with Dory’s character. I felt like this experience was like me finding my “inner Dory”, being eternally optimistic and always looking on the bright side, especially for other people who are maybe having a rough go of it. (I certainly identified with being on the receiving end of Marlin’s “Dory, no singing” response, seeing that I have had many moments where I have started cheerfully singing at seemingly inopportune times.) Being the type of person who could provide that little spark for others and being that reminder to just keep swimming no matter what life throws is something I take pride in. I admit, sometimes I feel like I don’t really grasp how much of an impact my little encouragement can have for other people. I know when people take the time out of their day to encourage me, to say they’re looking forward to seeing me, or something like that, it really does give me a boost to keep swimming, especially when life gets me down. But it certainly feels super positive to know that something as small as happily encouraging someone to “just keep swimming” can give a little laugh and make someone’s day. I feel like, in a way, the character of Dory came alive inside of me.

There have certainly been times where I could really use (or could really have used) Dory’s advice to just keep swimming when life got me down. For example, the month of March for me was, to put it lightly, really bad. Multiple times during the month, I absolutely did not want to do anything and lacked the motivation to be my usual happy-go-lucky, reach out self. I had little desire to approach people with anything and more often than not, found myself more cranky and irritable and not wanting to talk to anyone, preferring to stay on the couch and just almost do nothing. I was in a deep sea of negative emotions and often ended up being really down on myself and filled with a lot of internal frustration. When the calendar turned to April, I was perfectly content to let the month of March burn and throw it in a fire. In hindsight, I was drowning and life was really getting me down. I guess looking back and seeing that I’m in a better place, I did keep swimming…somehow. Maybe even when we feel like we’re drowning, we’re swimming anyway even if we don’t think about it. I don’t know where I would go with that last thought but I’ll toss it out at least.

Today sitting at my work desk, I started thinking. Something that has been an ongoing struggle this entire year has been feeling like I haven’t had as much of an impact on people, especially with my SCU friends that are still there, since I graduated. It’s been more difficult to see those tangible signs that I’m making people’s days and having an impact on their lives. I’m not physically present for many of my friends anymore to share that hug and share that smile that they’ll see and to see their reactions. When I started to become more present with those struggles, I started coming back to this experience of encouraging people to “just keep swimming”. I started remembering how much others got lifted up by having someone tell them to “just keep swimming” when life got them down. And in that little, Finding Nemo-inspired message, I was able to have that impact for others. The subtlety makes the impact harder for me to notice, but in some respects, at least I can notice it. It’s a good reminder for me to realize that even if I may not have the same type of impact I used to when I was physically around lots of my friends as a Santa Clara student, that I still can have that positive impact for those I care about.

Remember…when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming…swimming…swimming :)