It Is What It Is...

It’s a phrase I’ve been saying both in my head and out loud a lot more lately. Maybe it’s because it’s the blogger handle of one of my really good friends or maybe it’s more because of my instincts. I really don’t know. What I do know is that there’s a lot more wisdom in that little phrase than what first meets the eye. I’ve wanted to write and reflect on this for a while, but I never found the moment to really focus on it, until now.

While I don’t plan on going into it very much, over the past few days I’ve had trouble sorting out things in my mind. There’s been a lot going on in there and some of my mental energy has been spent on trying to sort things. So let’s just say I’ve been in a worse position lately to be completely thrown off.

And thrown off I was. Tuesday night, I arrived at a friend’s house expecting to have pasta for dinner, when surely enough I opened the kitchen door to the sound of “Surprise!” and “Happy Birthday!” If only I had taken more seriously the one friend who told me that my friends were thinking of changing my birthday celebration date to Tuesday. Should’ve also realized Ratchet house had a door to the kitchen. Oh well. I was surprised, I was happy, and that was pretty awesome and funny.

Though actually, I’m scarily good at hiding my negative feelings. Beneath my happiness was a nasty swirl of emotions that was taking my attention away from the surprise that was going on. I immediately took notice of who couldn’t make it and the fact that my calendar had been thrown upside down. A not-so-fun fact about me, I can be a bit picky when it comes to dates. It’s a mindset thing for me. If I’m expecting to do “X” on a day, then I’m going to put my mental energy towards “X”. Except if “X” really happens on a different day, more likely than not I’m not mentally prepared (which is probably the point of a surprise). So there I was, thinking to myself, “Wait. That’s actually my birthday celebration happening now.” That swirl of emotions included things like “Oh no, (so and so) couldn’t come” and feeling like I got bumped off the original day for something/someone else, among other things.

It was recognizing that I had those feelings afterwards that made me lose sleep last night. I had those negative feelings deep within, but I felt like having those feelings meant I was being ungrateful. Those feelings existed, but how could I let down all my friends who had put in an amazing amount of effort to put it on by having those feelings? It’s the definition of being between a mental rock and a mental hard place. I was dwelling upon the negatives amidst all the blatant efforts of friendship and love people were trying to show me. How could I make sense of everything? What kind of person could be consumed by negative feelings after such a wonderful birthday surprise? Me apparently…

That night before I went home, I opened up to one of my friends who planned it and admitted the negativity that was lying within. Those feelings were raw and I felt like the worst person in the world to admit their existence after a highly thought-out birthday surprise. He talked me through it though that negative swirl of emotions fully affected me on my drive home. I just wanted to sleep.

Surely enough, that friend texted me addressing this same issue the following morning. He had a birthday recently and spoke about how one of his first thoughts on his birthday was how “why didn’t (so and so) do this specific thing…they are my best friends”. Upon reading that, I felt reassured. It was okay to have those feelings and to never invalidate them. He also shared with me about how he remembered the friends that made that specific birthday thing what it was. That was the balance I think I was looking for. To acknowledge that some friends weren’t able to make it, but there were other friends who were able to, and to be grateful for both (because I know those in the former would’ve tried their damned hardest to make it). Back to my friend, for those friends he was referring to in his own case, they did do their own special birthday thing for him. It may not have physically manifested in that certain thing, but they put in their birthday efforts for him too.

It somehow didn’t hit me until seeing his text. I was so focused on one specific thing that I was overlooking all the other birthday efforts my other friends have made. Moreso, I’ve had or will have opportunities to spend birthday friend time with those who didn’t make it to the surprise. Imagine Dragons, birthday lunch, brunch, dinner, etc. How could I forget all that? Or forget the friends who have been super busy but made the effort to pitch in (even if the schedule prevented them from physically being there)? Sometimes it’s those reminders that really help get you back on your feet.

Going back to the titular phrase of this post, I started thinking those exact words after reading my friend’s text. Surely things may not have been as my mind imagined it. I mean really, what night are you going to be able to squish all of your friends into Ratchet House? For someone who doesn't get surprised very often, changing the date is something that needs to happen for the surprise to work. But for the way it turned out, I want to express my gratitude. Thank you everyone for all the efforts for my birthday and making it quite memorable. =)

With all that written, I do want to end with some wise words that I’ve been coming back to time and time again.

“It is what it is. But remember there is always a reason to smile.”

Learning to Fall

A few weeks ago, I started listening to the band Love and Theft a little more, checking out their music since I already liked a couple of their songs. I stumbled upon their song “Learning to Fall” and really liked it.  Of course as it happens with many songs I listened to, I stopped listening to it for a while. But when reflecting upon some things, the overall theme of the words “learning to fall” kept coming back to me. And honestly, I think I found some insight there.

If there’s something I’m learning about myself, it’s that there are areas of my life where I’m a total perfectionist. There are some areas where I know I’m weaker at (drawing and athleticism to name two). I know those types of things aren’t my strongest traits, so falling short in those areas isn’t too much of a big deal to me. But when I fail at areas that I feel I am stronger at, I take it hard. In my head, I think I need to be perfect. “I know better, but how could I mess up?”

When I fall short in my strong areas, my first instinct is to feel regret over where I messed up and then see how I can improve. I think inherently, acknowledging where I went wrong is a good thing. Same goes for the intention to improve on myself. Lately, I’m finding myself becoming unbalanced on the former. I regret where I went wrong, but then I take it to a point to beat myself up. In that case, the worst of my perfectionism comes to light: it no longer becomes a mechanism to better myself; it just makes me unnecessarily feel worse. And I let it sit with me for a good amount of time. There becomes a point where that regret turns into shame, which isn’t good. While failure can help me see areas where I could improve, dwelling on it too much isn’t a good thing.

This is where I believe learning to fall is a good challenge. For example, I value relationships with other people and the joy and love I draw from them. I like to think that loving people and making them feel cared for is a strong trait of mine. When I fall short in my relationships, it hits me hard and it takes me a little more time to be able to accept that I fell short. I tell myself: “I have to be perfect with other people. I don’t want to hurt the people I care about.” But when I think that, I forget one fundamental truth: I’m human. I’m not perfect nor am I capable of being perfect. Learning to accept my humanity and imperfection is part of the process. I’m going to fail from time to time, even in the areas of my life where I feel I’m stronger.

For me, it’s a hard lesson to learn. Using my relationships example, my failings mean letting people down sometimes. But that possibility of failure exists because of my fundamental humanity. I have to learn to accept that possibility of failure because I’m inherently capable of it. Turning a failure into a net positive means things will be better in the long run. I struggle with accepting my own failures in certain areas of my life. In relationships specifically, I worry about failing and letting others down. But ultimately, regardless of what it is, letting go of that fear of failure is all part of learning to fall.

“And I don't worry at all
I'm still learning to fall”

-“Learning to Fall”, Love and Theft