Saturday, November 29, 2014

Hail to the Blogmother

It’s been one year since I posted my first entry on this blog. No matter how good or how bad of a blogger I’ve been, it’s not something I could’ve ever imagined myself doing at this time last year. The way I describe it to people, this blog has become my “journaling that I don’t mind sharing with the world”. I could never see myself becoming a professional blogger but to have this as an outlet has definitely been healthy for me. One of the biggest inspirations for starting this blog has been my friend Maira (who I’ve mentioned at least once) and I'd like to share a little more about her.

To tell you a little bit about Maira, she is a lot different from me personality-wise. For example, if there were a picnic table right next to a lake, I would be more inclined to climb on the table and yell at the top of my lungs while Maira would be more likely to stay where she’s at and take in the moment. She is very introspective and always committed to growth. I always feel like I learn something new from our conversations and she is one of the wisest friends I know.

More specific to this post, Maira is one of the biggest inspirations as to why I started a blog in the first place. She has her own blog which I started reading a while back and I always gain something out of her posts. I get really excited every time Maira writes a new post. She has a well-written blog and shares herself in such an authentic way. It is never easy to share oneself in such an open setting, but for Maira to challenge herself and set herself as an example in that way speaks volumes about her. And of course, I’m proud of her for continuing to maintain her blog and post every-so-often.

There’s one post of Maira’s that always keeps me going whenever I’m writing about something and I get stuck. It’s about ego and the concept of writer’s block. Essentially what she writes (which I find to be true) is that our ego keeps us from sharing ourselves because whatever is not “good enough”. I’ve found my ego to be the biggest challenge to blogging. Many times, I think to myself that what I would write isn’t “good enough” or that anyone who chooses to take time to read my writing will find fault with what I write. I can feel awkward sometimes linking my blog posts to Facebook as if I’m trying to shill for readers. I often can think I’m not that interesting of a writer (and for all intents and purposes I may not be). But it takes me away from the biggest reason I started this blog. I share myself in this way in the hope that at least one person is better off for having read my writing. And if it’s only that one person that is better off, then I’ve achieved my major goal. It’s always healthy for me to have a reminder of the true goal of this blog.

After a year, I’m amazed I’m still at this and I’m glad I’ve stuck with it. I choose to blog rather spontaneously. When there’s something on my mind that I feel like I absolutely want to write about, I’m almost going to force myself to make the time to write it all down in a blog post. This blog has served both as a way to share myself and a much-needed form of self-therapy at times. It’s certainly something I plan on keeping for the time being.


Without Maira and the encouragement of many different people, my blog would’ve died and fizzled off a long time ago. And reflecting on it, Maira is one of the biggest reasons why I started blogging and still blog. That being said, it is only fitting that I dedicate this post to her, the one who I affectionately refer to as “the blogmother” from time to time.

And here's the link to Maira's blog post I referred to earlier in this post: http://mtgutierrezblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/lego-and-write.html

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The "Hidden" Love within an Apology

At least some people would probably say that I’m typically on top of reaching out to them about many different things. I don’t dispute that at all. If it takes a while for them to get back to me, I see in the response some apology for how long it took to respond. “I’m so so sorry I didn’t get back to you.” or “I’m sorry for not responding.” Typically, my instinctive response is to feel guilty inside and immediately try to respond as fast as possible saying that absolutely no apology is necessary. What causes my guilty reaction? I start feeling guilty that I seemingly unintentionally placed harsh expectations on my friends. I’m afraid that I might appear that I’m “expecting” way too much out of them and that my friends may feel they’re not “living” up to my “expectations”.

That guilty reaction was not something I ever questioned until quite recently. In the matter of a few hours Monday, I got two messages from different friends profusely apologizing to me on slow response times. Considering their circumstances, I had no expectations whatsoever for a response after reaching out but had a stronger “guilty” reaction than usual as a result.

Sitting at my work desk today, I started getting into my head way too much. Many of my feelings of self-doubt came back and bugged me most of the day. Those feelings told me, “You’re not really worth it to others.” I was sitting, searching for something to remind me that wasn’t the case. Then I thought back to those “apology” messages I received. What if the fact that my friends apologized for slow response times was their way of telling me, “Joe, you’re worth it to me and I want to make sure you know that.” I never thought about it that way before. The fact that my friends thought they took a long time to respond and acknowledged it (even if I didn’t think it was long or warranted an apology) is actually quite the act of love on their part. While outside-the-box, those apologies are reminders I can use to remind myself that my friends care about me and are willing to make the effort to match the effort I put in.


It’s funny to think about my friends’ apologies in this total outside-the-box context. It’s only now that I’m starting to realize that guilty reaction I’ve had for so long hearing the words "I'm sorry..." may not be the healthiest one. I’m writing this not wanting my friends to apologize to me for every little thing now. But writing this really makes me want to commit myself to seeing my friends saying “I’m sorry” as an expression of love instead of a reason to feel guilty, regardless of whether or not I feel the apology is warranted. And at the same time, if I’m the one saying “I’m sorry”, I want to recognize it my own expression of love as well.