Thursday night, I spent a short time talking on the phone
with a dear friend, catching up after a few months. Towards the end of our
conversation, my friend had told me that they wanted to be more intentional
about something and do a better job of it. When I heard her use the word “intentional”
in that personal context, it triggered a question from me that I had thought
about for a while. I asked my friend something along the lines of, “Do we use
the word ‘intentionality’ because of the people we associated with and hung out
with at Santa Clara or is it more widespread?”
Growing up, the term “intention” had two things I associated
with it. One referred to the “intentions” that would be offered at Mass during
the Prayers of the Faithful. I would typically think of offering intentions as,
“We pray for ________. Lord, Hear our prayer”, and that’s the only context I
would ever think of the word “intention” as a noun. The other association would
be as an adverb as another way of saying “doing something on purpose”. For
example, I intentionally didn’t talk about my friend’s birthday with them until
afterwards because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise another person was
putting together for them. Or as a joke, I once stole one of my mentor’s rubber
ducks one time and intentionally placed it under my friend’s jacket so she
would be caught and “fired” instead of me. ;)
Back to the question I asked my friend Thursday night, I’m
starting to realize that it’s only been in the past 1-2 years that I started
hearing and noticing the word intentionality or the terminology of “being
intentional” about doing something. She concluded that we’ve seen and heard it
based more on the people we hung out with. I’ve also realized that I’ve heard
this word “intentionality” get tossed around a lot from people I know and seeing
people, including myself, get asked, “what is your intention” (referring to an
action you will commit yourself to doing). A lot of my friends who have talked
about intentionality or being intentional have spent time being active in
programs like Campus Ministry, Jesuit Volunteer Corps (JVC), Landmark Forum, or
other similar-type awesome programs that have helped make them better people. That
being said, the word “intentionality” has achieved buzzword status in Joe world
where sometimes, I admittedly instinctively associate the use of the term intention/intentionality
in that context with involvement in those types of programs instead of actually
what is actually meant by acting with intention or intentionality.
This leads me to the next question I’ve been asking myself:
what the heck does “being intentional about something” or “intentionality” even
mean? When I asked another friend how being friends with me has changed them
for the better, they said that I’ve been “very intentional” about our
friendship. There’s that word again. If I were to give you an answer off the
top of my head, I would tell you that being intentional about something means
being driven by a purpose to act upon that “something” and not doing “something”
for the sake of doing “something”. Intentionality would be the term to describe
the action of being driven by that purpose. If I look at what that friend told
me and reflect upon it a little further, I can see where I’ve embodied this
notion of “intentionality” in friendships and relationships especially over the
past year.
I’ve told people over the past year as I’ve become more
deliberate about how I approach my friendships. Now that I’ve spent a year in
the “post-grad” phase of life where my friends aren’t primarily within a 1-mile
radius, I’ve noticed a shift in how I approach people now that my available
time to spend with people is more limited. When I send one of my typical random
Joe messages saying hi, that’s my way of saying, “I care about your life and am
curious how you’re doing”. I’ve tried finding pockets of time to answer texts
or to figure out who I haven’t talked to in a while. When I do find those times
to catch up, I do my best to genuinely listen to how everything is going and to
catch up on their life as much as possible. I acknowledge that ultimately it’s
up to me to do everything on my end to grow those friendships even as physical
distance and “different phase of life” makes it harder to catch up with people
and keep in touch. At the same time, I try to find a balance between how to
space out my reaching out. I’m super self-conscious about being that friend
that’s a huge nagger and doesn’t give others space, or always sends messages to
the point where it gets really annoying. I know that other people’s lives are,
well, really busy and my purpose in keeping those relationships strong is to
give them the space to handle their own stuff and then let them find the time
when they can. If I try to make sense of what my friend meant by me being “more
intentional” about friendship, that might be it.
At the same time, I think me being intentional about my
relationships means recognizing that others have very different meanings and
ways of being intentional and acting upon their intentions with a purpose. One
of the ways I’ve had to learn this is through how people make the most their
time with others. Despite what my 30/30 Myers-Briggs test score for
extroversion may imply, I have a strong preference to spend time with people in
smaller groups, like 2 or 3 at a time, instead of larger groups of friends. Of
course I want to surround myself with people I love because that’s how I gain
energy, but to tell you the truth, I’m most comfortable when I’m able to focus
on one or two people at a time and give them my full attention rather than
giving bits and pieces to 5 or more people in the same area. I’ve had moments
this year where I’ve had to learn the hard way to equally respect others’
preferences in that regard. There was a period of time within the past year
where I took a hard stance on not wanting to be in groups out of fear of feeling
super uncomfortable and left out within a larger group. There were times where
this caused a clash when I had friends come and want to get people (including
me) in larger groups and I wanted none of being in a large group. That latter
part was the hardest because in my head, it felt like I wasn’t making the most
of that time with them and I wasn’t enjoying it like I should. But when it comes
down to it, I believe that friends wanting to be in a large group is one way
for them to be intentional about their friendships and the people that matter. It’s
another way of being intentional, which isn’t my way of doing so, but it’s just
as equally valid and fulfilling for them. If I’m truly going to be intentional
about my friendships and caring for those relationships, it’s just as much on
me to let them be intentional in their own ways as I am intentional in my own
way. I’ve been trying in the past months to be a lot more open-minded to
spending time in groups, especially when someone else initiates it and it’s “their
thing” so to speak. Or having a friend visit one weekend, openly indicate that
they’re trying to see as many people as possible, and to acknowledge that while
making the most of the 10-minute walk I had with them one-on-one. I didn’t
press for more time knowing that, but I felt fulfilled knowing that they made
that little spot of time for me completely spontaneously.
Ultimately in the context I just talked about, I feel having
an intention and being intentionality comes down to having a purpose. My
purpose is to maintain and grow the friendships I have in the best way
possible. The best way possible, I think, involves knowing my own strengths and
preferences, while at the same time respecting and accepting the strengths and
preferences for others in how they approach their friendships. Living an
intentional life is definitely a noble goal to achieve, one that is driven by
some sort of purpose. Do I know what fully “living an intentional life” means
for me? Not really. But what I do know is that I do my best to be intentional
and driven by a purpose to make the most out of friendships and relationships.
I can figure out what other elements of an intentional, purpose-driven, life
means for me as I go on.
As buzz-wordy as “intentionality” can be for me sometimes,
it is indeed a word that can pack a lot of punch and meaning if I let it.
