Something that has been a long-standing struggle for me is
accepting compliments. When someone tries to tell me that I’m awesome, I’m good
at (insert quality/ability here), or something similar, I’m likely to brush it
off or downplay what they said. I’ve always had this internal fear of letting
the compliment get to my head and becoming arrogant as a result. So I’ll
overcompensate and downplay the compliment to the point where it almost goes in
one ear and out the other. It’s not because I don’t appreciate it (I do), but I
get frozen by that fear of arrogance that I won’t accept the compliment for
what it is. From discussions with some of my friends, I’m realizing that’s more
of a human nature and less of a uniquely Joe problem, which makes me feel a
little better. It reminds me of a quotation I’ve heard before:
“Our deepest fear is
not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure.”
I fear putting myself above others. I fear that I’m going to
be so powerful that I’m going to put others down. But at the same time, a
number of people I know I have that same struggle. So the quotation makes
sense. A few days ago, I was discussing this with a very good friend and
realized to what extent that accepting compliments is hard for so many people. It’s
not like trying “compliment practice” would work; just feels too unnatural.
When I reflect on how to face this challenge, I think of how a lot of my
friends take the time and effort to affirm me for my gifts, even for the little
things. One way for me to look at this is to look at a compliment like a gift.
People want you to accept it. Wouldn’t it look awkward to not accept and appreciate
it? But then that fear holds me back.
When I reflect on this whole accepting compliments thing,
there are two examples that come to mind that are representative of all of the
friends who put time and effort into lifting me up and affirming me.
One of these friendships that come to mind is the one I
share my very good friend Maddie. One of Maddie’s best gifts, in my humble
opinion, is how she’s able to give non-stop encouragement and positive
affirmation. From a little 2-minute conversation on the stairs in Benson to
providing advice, Maddie always lets me know when she appreciates something.
Each little piece of Maddie’s affirmation and acknowledgment keeps me going and
is something I often go back to. Her affirmation serves as a reminder of all
the good I hold within me and reminds me of the positive impact I have on
people.
The other friendship that comes to mind for me is the one I
share with my very good friend Maira. One of the ways Maira shows her love and
care in our friendship is by pointing out how much love I bring into her life.
Maira essentially paints a picture in front of me of a “loving Joe”. My
instinct sometimes initially wants to turn away from that picture, but I know
it is a labor of love for Maira to take the time to paint that picture for me.
If I’m going to go back to that “gift” metaphor, Maira creates the “loving Joe”
picture for me to accept because she wants me to know how loved I make people.
That’s something I’ve slowly begun to accept and take charge of with her
assistance, though it’s still a work in progress.
I share the examples of Maddie and Maira to paint a bigger
picture: there are so many people that want to lift me up and make the effort
to do so. I appreciate all of it, I really do. I mean really, if I brush off
the compliments, I might as well be doing people a disservice after all the effort
they put in to compliment me. Thinking about this invites me to be more
intentional about accepting compliments than I’ve been in the past. It can be
difficult sometimes, but if anyone wants to share affirmation with me, I
promise I will be trying my hardest to accept it for what it is instead of internally
brushing it off as “oh I’m not that great”. The sooner I let go of my fear of
being “above others”, the easier it’ll be to accept compliments friends want to
share with me more fully for what they are. That is a challenge I’m committed
to taking on.
