Intention and Intentionality

Thursday night, I spent a short time talking on the phone with a dear friend, catching up after a few months. Towards the end of our conversation, my friend had told me that they wanted to be more intentional about something and do a better job of it. When I heard her use the word “intentional” in that personal context, it triggered a question from me that I had thought about for a while. I asked my friend something along the lines of, “Do we use the word ‘intentionality’ because of the people we associated with and hung out with at Santa Clara or is it more widespread?”

Growing up, the term “intention” had two things I associated with it. One referred to the “intentions” that would be offered at Mass during the Prayers of the Faithful. I would typically think of offering intentions as, “We pray for ________. Lord, Hear our prayer”, and that’s the only context I would ever think of the word “intention” as a noun. The other association would be as an adverb as another way of saying “doing something on purpose”. For example, I intentionally didn’t talk about my friend’s birthday with them until afterwards because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise another person was putting together for them. Or as a joke, I once stole one of my mentor’s rubber ducks one time and intentionally placed it under my friend’s jacket so she would be caught and “fired” instead of me. ;)

Back to the question I asked my friend Thursday night, I’m starting to realize that it’s only been in the past 1-2 years that I started hearing and noticing the word intentionality or the terminology of “being intentional” about doing something. She concluded that we’ve seen and heard it based more on the people we hung out with. I’ve also realized that I’ve heard this word “intentionality” get tossed around a lot from people I know and seeing people, including myself, get asked, “what is your intention” (referring to an action you will commit yourself to doing). A lot of my friends who have talked about intentionality or being intentional have spent time being active in programs like Campus Ministry, Jesuit Volunteer Corps (JVC), Landmark Forum, or other similar-type awesome programs that have helped make them better people. That being said, the word “intentionality” has achieved buzzword status in Joe world where sometimes, I admittedly instinctively associate the use of the term intention/intentionality in that context with involvement in those types of programs instead of actually what is actually meant by acting with intention or intentionality.

This leads me to the next question I’ve been asking myself: what the heck does “being intentional about something” or “intentionality” even mean? When I asked another friend how being friends with me has changed them for the better, they said that I’ve been “very intentional” about our friendship. There’s that word again. If I were to give you an answer off the top of my head, I would tell you that being intentional about something means being driven by a purpose to act upon that “something” and not doing “something” for the sake of doing “something”. Intentionality would be the term to describe the action of being driven by that purpose. If I look at what that friend told me and reflect upon it a little further, I can see where I’ve embodied this notion of “intentionality” in friendships and relationships especially over the past year.

I’ve told people over the past year as I’ve become more deliberate about how I approach my friendships. Now that I’ve spent a year in the “post-grad” phase of life where my friends aren’t primarily within a 1-mile radius, I’ve noticed a shift in how I approach people now that my available time to spend with people is more limited. When I send one of my typical random Joe messages saying hi, that’s my way of saying, “I care about your life and am curious how you’re doing”. I’ve tried finding pockets of time to answer texts or to figure out who I haven’t talked to in a while. When I do find those times to catch up, I do my best to genuinely listen to how everything is going and to catch up on their life as much as possible. I acknowledge that ultimately it’s up to me to do everything on my end to grow those friendships even as physical distance and “different phase of life” makes it harder to catch up with people and keep in touch. At the same time, I try to find a balance between how to space out my reaching out. I’m super self-conscious about being that friend that’s a huge nagger and doesn’t give others space, or always sends messages to the point where it gets really annoying. I know that other people’s lives are, well, really busy and my purpose in keeping those relationships strong is to give them the space to handle their own stuff and then let them find the time when they can. If I try to make sense of what my friend meant by me being “more intentional” about friendship, that might be it.

At the same time, I think me being intentional about my relationships means recognizing that others have very different meanings and ways of being intentional and acting upon their intentions with a purpose. One of the ways I’ve had to learn this is through how people make the most their time with others. Despite what my 30/30 Myers-Briggs test score for extroversion may imply, I have a strong preference to spend time with people in smaller groups, like 2 or 3 at a time, instead of larger groups of friends. Of course I want to surround myself with people I love because that’s how I gain energy, but to tell you the truth, I’m most comfortable when I’m able to focus on one or two people at a time and give them my full attention rather than giving bits and pieces to 5 or more people in the same area. I’ve had moments this year where I’ve had to learn the hard way to equally respect others’ preferences in that regard. There was a period of time within the past year where I took a hard stance on not wanting to be in groups out of fear of feeling super uncomfortable and left out within a larger group. There were times where this caused a clash when I had friends come and want to get people (including me) in larger groups and I wanted none of being in a large group. That latter part was the hardest because in my head, it felt like I wasn’t making the most of that time with them and I wasn’t enjoying it like I should. But when it comes down to it, I believe that friends wanting to be in a large group is one way for them to be intentional about their friendships and the people that matter. It’s another way of being intentional, which isn’t my way of doing so, but it’s just as equally valid and fulfilling for them. If I’m truly going to be intentional about my friendships and caring for those relationships, it’s just as much on me to let them be intentional in their own ways as I am intentional in my own way. I’ve been trying in the past months to be a lot more open-minded to spending time in groups, especially when someone else initiates it and it’s “their thing” so to speak. Or having a friend visit one weekend, openly indicate that they’re trying to see as many people as possible, and to acknowledge that while making the most of the 10-minute walk I had with them one-on-one. I didn’t press for more time knowing that, but I felt fulfilled knowing that they made that little spot of time for me completely spontaneously.

Ultimately in the context I just talked about, I feel having an intention and being intentionality comes down to having a purpose. My purpose is to maintain and grow the friendships I have in the best way possible. The best way possible, I think, involves knowing my own strengths and preferences, while at the same time respecting and accepting the strengths and preferences for others in how they approach their friendships. Living an intentional life is definitely a noble goal to achieve, one that is driven by some sort of purpose. Do I know what fully “living an intentional life” means for me? Not really. But what I do know is that I do my best to be intentional and driven by a purpose to make the most out of friendships and relationships. I can figure out what other elements of an intentional, purpose-driven, life means for me as I go on.

As buzz-wordy as “intentionality” can be for me sometimes, it is indeed a word that can pack a lot of punch and meaning if I let it.