At least some people would probably say that I’m typically
on top of reaching out to them about many different things. I don’t dispute
that at all. If it takes a while for them to get back to me, I see in the
response some apology for how long it took to respond. “I’m so so sorry I didn’t
get back to you.” or “I’m sorry for not responding.” Typically, my instinctive
response is to feel guilty inside and immediately try to respond as fast as
possible saying that absolutely no apology is necessary. What causes my guilty
reaction? I start feeling guilty that I seemingly unintentionally placed harsh
expectations on my friends. I’m afraid that I might appear that I’m “expecting”
way too much out of them and that my friends may feel they’re not “living” up
to my “expectations”.
That guilty reaction was not something I ever questioned
until quite recently. In the matter of a few hours Monday, I got two messages
from different friends profusely apologizing to me on slow response times. Considering
their circumstances, I had no expectations whatsoever for a response after reaching
out but had a stronger “guilty” reaction than usual as a result.
Sitting at my work desk today, I started getting into my
head way too much. Many of my feelings of self-doubt came back and bugged me
most of the day. Those feelings told me, “You’re not really worth it to others.”
I was sitting, searching for something to remind me that wasn’t the case. Then
I thought back to those “apology” messages I received. What if the fact that my
friends apologized for slow response times was their way of telling me, “Joe,
you’re worth it to me and I want to make sure you know that.” I never thought
about it that way before. The fact that my friends thought they took a long
time to respond and acknowledged it (even if I didn’t think it was long or warranted an apology) is actually quite the act of love on their part. While
outside-the-box, those apologies are reminders I can use to remind myself that my
friends care about me and are willing to make the effort to match the effort I
put in.
It’s funny to think about my friends’ apologies in this
total outside-the-box context. It’s only now that I’m starting to realize that
guilty reaction I’ve had for so long hearing the words "I'm sorry..." may not be the healthiest one. I’m writing
this not wanting my friends to apologize to me for every little thing now. But
writing this really makes me want to commit myself to seeing my friends saying “I’m
sorry” as an expression of love instead of a reason to feel guilty, regardless
of whether or not I feel the apology is warranted. And at the same time, if I’m
the one saying “I’m sorry”, I want to recognize it my own expression of love as
well.
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